Holding Back
by Scarlet Rurouni
Summary: Kenshin wakes up after his fight with Enishi some Jinchuu Arc spoilers and finds Kaoru at his bedside. Kaoru is upset about something, but will Kenshin keep holding back his true feelings? Please RR!
1. The Morning After

Summary: (A/N: I suck at these) Kenshin wakes up after the fight with Enishi and sees Kaoru sitting next to him. He quickly sees that she is upset by something, but what can he do to help her if he holds back his true feelings?

Disclaimer: Everyday I sit in front of my little Kenshin shrine and pray that all rights and ownership of the manga/anime "Rurouni Kenshin" will be transferred to me. ::sigh:: But I guess some prayers just aren't meant to be answered. All rights belong to   
Watsuki-sama and other people with lots of money. Whereas I, am a poor college student without a job….

**Spoiler Warning** Some spoilers for the Jinchuu Arc will be present. And if you don't know what that is, you may not want to read this just yet……

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Holding Back

**The Morning After**

All around him, there was darkness. Although he could see nothing, Kenshin could sense that there was someone there, but he couldn't tell who. _Where am I?_ he thought. Slowly, he opened his eyes, fearing what he might see after he had fully opened them. At first his vision was blurred, but as everything came into focus, he realized that he was back in his room at the Kamiya dojo. _Was it all a dream? Is she… is she really alive? _As his eyes wandered about his room, he gingerly brought his hand up to his head to think. _No, _he realized, _it wasn't a dream. It was all real. All of it. And that means that…_ Gently, so as not to intensify his pounding headache, Kenshin turned his head to the side, towards the presence he felt in the room. And there she was, Kaoru, sitting cross-legged with her back rested against the wall of his room, (a position he was all too familiar with) asleep, and safe. Even though the vision of her dead body, with a cross shaped scar on one cheek and a sword through her heart, still rang out clear in his mind, he smiled, because he knew none of that mattered now. All that mattered now was that she was alive, and unharmed. Silently, trying not to wake her, knowing what a fuss she would make over him, he sat up and cradled his aching head in his hands for a moment before gazing over at the woman he loved. _She looks so peaceful, so beautiful. I almost hate to disturb her but…. If she wakes up to find that I've let her sleep through my recovery she'll be very angry, that she will. _He had a brief vision of Kaoru trying to hit him over the head with a bokken while   
Megumi-dono held her back shouting, "he's not completely recovered yet!" Kenshin smiled at the thought, painful though it would be were it to come true. 

Knowing she would awake at the slightest sound, he said softly, "You shouldn't sleep that way, Kaoru-dono." Instantly, her eyes opened and her head shot up to look at him. "You'll catch cold, that you will." Kenshin continued with the best rurouni smile the injured man could accomplish. 

"Kenshin!" Kaoru cried, and in a flash she was away from the wall and sitting by his side. "You're awake! How are you feeling?" She said as she put a hand to his forehead checking for fever.

He chuckled softly at her overly concerned nature. "I'm fine, Kaoru-dono" he said as he carefully lifted her hand off his forehead, though he held on to it much longer than was necessary. Looking past her warm smile and into those sapphire eyes he loved so much, he could tell that she was on the verge of tears.

"I'm… so glad to hear that." She said, trying not to let her voice betray her emotions. 

"Kaoru-dono, what's wrong?" he asked, his voice filled with worry for her. 

"Nothing's wrong, Kenshin. I-… it's just that…" she lowered her head so she wouldn't have to look at him now that she could no longer keep the tears at bay, "you've been asleep for days now and I… I was afraid that you were… that I was going to…"

Instantly, he knew what was wrong. And before his beloved Kaoru could finish giving voice to all the fears she had been keeping for so long, Kenshin wrapped his arms tightly around her, trying to make all her pain disappear with a simple touch. A small sob escaped her lips and his heart wrenched at the sound of her pain, knowing that he had been the cause of it. Kaoru, the woman he lived for, the woman he wanted more than anything in all the world, and yet could never possibly even dream to be worthy of; he had caused her pain, and for that he could never forgive himself. "It's alright, Kaoru-dono" he murmured as he tightened his embrace and rested his cheek lightly against hers. "You shouldn't worry about me so much..." _I'm not worth it…_ he added silently.

"But… I'm so sorry, Kenshin. It's all my fault!" she confessed as she cried into his shoulder. 

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Kami-sama, why does she torture herself! "No!" His voice was steady and firm, though inside he was shuddering at the way she blamed herself. "How could you even think such a thing? You are the most wonderful and caring person I have ever known, Kaoru. It is not even remotely possible that any of what happened was your fault!" Kenshin said sternly, still shocked that she could even imagine something so horrible of herself. 

__

Did he just call me…? She shook the fleeting thought from her mind. "But you're wrong, Kenshin. If I was stronger, you wouldn't always have to rescue me, and then you would never have gotten hurt. You wouldn't be in so much pain… because of me…"

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A/N: AHHHHHHH! Terrible! Horrid! Really bad semi-cliff hanger at the end! ::gags on her own writing:: This is my first attempt EVER at any form of fanfic, so sessha is very, very nervous. Please, PLEASE review for me if you want me to finish this. And if you don't want me to finish it, review and tell me so. At this point even flames are welcome! (though I can't guarantee I won't flame you right back! ^_^x ) Also, I know that this particular setting has been done many times before but since it _is_ my first try, I just wanted to do something that I thought would be a little easier to write about. So, if it sounds in any way similar to something you've already read or written, please accept my most humble apologies and realize that I am not trying to steal anyone's ideas! Well, okay, so I _am _trying to steal Watsuki-sama's ideas… ::dodges all the lawsuits thrown at her and runs from angry mob:: HEY! It was just a joke!!!!! Anyway, Review please! 


	2. Difficult Confession

A/N: WOW! People actually seem to like my little story! I want to thank all of my wonderful reviewers, because without them I would have stayed in the corner of my room afraid to type anything ever again! ^_^x Well, I might've typed my name once in awhile…. Anyway, here's hoping you like this chapter as much as the last one!

Disclaimer: Everyday I sit in front of my little Kenshin shrine and pray that all rights and ownership of the manga/anime "Rurouni Kenshin" will be transferred to me. ::sigh:: But I guess some prayers just aren't meant to be answered. All rights belong to   
Watsuki-sama and other people with lots of money. Whereas I, am a poor college student without a job….

**Spoiler Warning** Some spoilers for the Jinchuu Arc will be present. And if you don't know what that is, you may not want to read this just yet……

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Holding Back

**Difficult Confession**

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Did he just call me…? She shook the fleeting thought from her mind. "But you're wrong, Kenshin. If I was stronger, you wouldn't always have to rescue me, and then you would never have gotten hurt. You wouldn't be in so much pain… because of me", and at this Kaoru's tears began to fall anew as she tried to hide her face in the fabric of Kenshin's gi. 

Suddenly, without knowing exactly how, he understood. All this time, he thought it was just in her nature to be kind to him, to anyone. Though he knew he wasn't wrong about that, Kenshin could see now that there was something else, another reason for her kindness; she cared for _him. _Everything she had ever done for him, it wasn't just her kind nature, it was because she cared for him, Himura Kenshin. But, why? _Why does she torture herself in this way? Why does she care for me so much, when she knows what I am? What I've done… Still, does any of that truly matter now? Kami-sama, I came so close to loosing her, forever! KUSO! I can't let that happen again… _Shaking his head Kenshin gave way to a small sigh, _no matter what, I can't leave now. I have to stay to protect her. Even… even if she doesn't feel the same way, I have to pro-_

"Kenshin?" Feeling him tense at some thought unbeknownst to her, Kaoru's own sadness was instantly replaced with concern for Kenshin. "What's wrong?" she demanded, looking worriedly at him, afraid his injuries might be catching up with him.

Seeing that she was too worried about him to be sad any longer, he shook his head. "Nothing is wrong Kaoru-dono. I was just thinking that you should not force yourself to suffer so over my pain. None of it could ever be your fault, and you have done nothing to deserve such torture, that you have not" he concluded firmly. 

"And you have?" came her somewhat angered response.

"Oro?"

"Kenshin," she began gently, "every day you force yourself to suffer the same anguish because you feel guilty; you never allow yourself even the slightest chance to feel happiness. Can't you see how it hurts me to watch you torment yourself?"

"Kaoru-dono, I-"

"No", she said as she halted his words by gently placing her hand over his mouth. "Kenshin, I know you don't mean to cause me pain, but the way you constantly distance yourself from… all your friends, it breaks my heart." Even though he sensed her need to continue, it was al Kenshin could do to stop himself from silencing her and, somehow, showing her that he hated the distance between them as much as she did.

Oblivious to her rurouni's inner struggle, Kaoru continued, "I haven't said anything until now because I know you feel like you don't deserve to be close to anyone, because of your past," she said gently, "but after seeing you fight Enishi so fiercely to protect us all, well, I just… I just can't do it anymore." As he heard the words escape her lips, all rational thought within Kenshin came to a screeching halt. _Do what?! _he wondered desperately. _Could she possibly want me to… **leave her?** Please, Kami-sama no! I can't! I… I can't live without her! I **need** her…_ as thoughts continued to careen through his head at record speed, his head naturally tilted downward, in an attempt to keep Kaoru from see into his soul.

At the same time, Kaoru's mind was also racing; _this is it. I'm tired of hiding my feelings, but, what if he doesn't…_ With a heavy sigh, Kaoru gathered up her courage and continued, determined not to hold back, for once. "What I mean to say is that I can't allow myself to sit here and watch you suffer anymore, not without doing something about it." Softly, Kaoru used her forefinger to tilt his chin up just enough for her to be able to look into his eyes. "Kenshin, you have already paid for all your sins a thousand times over, and because of you, so many people are free to be happy and live peacefully. But… even though you've helped me so much already, I can't be happy until you let go of the past and enjoy what you have now, because I…" Kaoru hesitated for a moment, knowing the power those three little words held once said. But despite the fear she felt welling up from the pit of her stomach, she forced herself to go on. "I… I love you, Kenshin. And I know that you only think of me as a friend," _it's all a stupid tanuki like me is good for anyway,_ "but I just wanted you to know that… that I… I just want you to be happy!" she finished, exasperated, her words failing her as Kenshin's continued silence caused her fear to completely overtake her. Without making a sound, her eyes on the floor in front of her, Kaoru mentally prepared herself for the rejection she was sure would come any second.

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A/N: I am so very sorry! I really wanted to finish it up this chapter, but stupid writer's block hit again! ::grabs Kenshin's sword and flips it over as she turns towards the physical manifestation of writer's block; and giant block of wood:: DIE COUL DEMON! ::slices block in half and returns Kenshin's sword:: I feel better now. Anyway, thank you once again for putting up with my little story and it's quirks. And yes, I know the chapters are rather short, and I apologize, but it is my first time! Please review and give me any ideas you may have for the next chapter! (not that I don't have any of my own, but it would be nice to see what you think! ^_^x ) R/R please!

**hint!** by the way, _someone_ brought up a good question, does Kaoru know about Kenshin's time in the Rakuminmura? Hmmmmmm, I don't know, you'll just have to wait for the next chapter! ^_~x Hopefully it won't be as short as the last two! And huge thanks to the person that brought it up! You know who you are! Oh yeah, if you leave me your email in your review I will send you an update notice when the next chapter comes up! ^_^x


	3. Defeated

A/N: Sorry I took so long in getting this chapter up! I had severe writer's block and couldn't think of anything! Anyway, I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: "Wheel of morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. and the moral of today's story is…" I own jack squat. Okay, okay, so I don't even own jack squat, assuming there is some person or company with that name, and knowing my luck there is! Please don't sue!!!!! 

P.S. I also have no rights to the "wheel of morality". I expect it belongs to Warner Bros. considering I discovered it while watching "Animainiacs" oh so many years ago……. boy do I feel old now! ^_^x

**Spoiler Warning** Some spoilers for the Jinchuu Arc will be present. And if you don't know what that is, you may not want to read this just yet……

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Last time…

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"I… I love you, Kenshin. And I know that you only think of me as a friend," it's all a stupid tanuki like me is good for anyway, "but I just wanted you to know that… that I… I just want you to be happy!" she finished, exasperated, her words failing her as Kenshin's continued silence caused her fear to completely overtake her. Without making a sound, her eyes on the floor in front of her, Kaoru mentally prepared herself for the rejection she was sure would come any second.

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Holding Back

**Defeated**

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What?! She LOVES me?! H- how… why didn't she tell me before?! Kami-sama, how could I have been so blind? his mind screamed. _Oh, and what about you? Why didn't **you **tell **her**! _As Kenshin mentally berated himself for never saying anything and leaving his precious Kaoru open to such anguish, a though occurred to him; _How could she think that I would not return her feelings when she knows what I went through when I thought that she was… wait…_

"Kaoru," he said incredulously, "you don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" she replied, her voice taking on an almost bitter tone. _That you could never love me? Yes Kenshin, I do know that. Wait, did just call me Kaoru, again? I'm almost sure I heard-_

"No one has told you what happened after you were taken, have they." This time, it was a statement, not a question. "When, Enishi took you, he left something behind… do you remember the Iwanbou doll I fought when Enishi first came?" Silently, Kaoru nodded in reply, now staring at him, hanging on his every word.

Though his voice threatened to break at the mere memory, Kenshin went on, "There was another doll, even more life-like than the first. Enishi left it in the dojo before he took you, but I didn't mind it until after you were already gone…" Slowly, a look of horrific realization washed over Kaoru's face as Kenshin told her, "It was… you. With Enishi's sword thrust into your heart, and… a cut, in the shape of a cross, on your left cheek."

"No…" Kaoru moaned, "you thought I was… you all thought that…"

"Yes." Such a simple word, yet Kenshin found it so difficult to say. "After I saw you,… _it_, I left. I couldn't stand it here, not with so many reminders, of how I failed you."

"But Kenshin, you didn't fa-" he raised a hand to stop her. "Please, let me finish." _As hard as this is, she needs to hear this, and… I need to say it, _he told himself.

"I went to a place called Rakuminmura, do you know what that is?" again, she nodded. "I do not know how long I was there, but it was a living hell." After a short pause, he shook his head. "No. It was not a _living _hell, because when I thought I had lost you, I died." He couldn't stop his voice from breaking with the pain he felt, despite how much he wanted to keep it from her, so that she wouldn't try to carry it for him. Kenshin looked at her now, and though Kaoru sat in front of him, with fresh tears spilling quietly over an intense look of and understanding, he _had _to finish, for both of them. "Without you, I ceased to exist. I didn't eat, didn't think, didn't move, didn't sleep… I'm amazed I even remembered to breathe, though I must have stopped breathing at some point because," he looked into her eyes now, pausing only to gently brush away her tears with his thumbs and he carefully cupped her face in his hands, "because you, Kamiya Kaoru, as the very air that I breathe. Without you I am lost, and, though this unworthy one does _not_ deserve such a goddess as you, I _need_ you, more than anything else. I love you Kaoru."

"You do?" Kaoru said, barely able to stop the incredible amount of hope she now felt from creeping into her voice. 

"Of course! I've loved you ever since the day we met, when you tried to attack the hitokiri battousai with a wooden stick" Kenshin said with a mischievous grin.

"Baka!" Kaoru said in protest, hitting him playfully. "It was _not_ a wooden stick, it was a bokken, and if you hadn't broken that roof I would have beaten you!" she declared with a slight pout as she folded her arms across her chest in a gesture of defiance.

Kenshin laughed whole heartedly at his cute kendo teacher's declaration, happy to see her in such a good mood. _Yes, MY Kaoru, _he thought as he wrapped his arms around her once more, wanting nothing more than to never let go. "You already have, koishii," he said, knowing that he belonged to her now, and there was nothing he could do about it.

"I love you Kenshin" Kaoru said for the second time that night, but this time she never took her eyes off him, knowing exactly what his reply would be…

"I love you Kaoru."

~OWARI~

A/N: Yes!!! I finally finished! I hope you all enjoyed my first fic as much as I enjoyed writing it, and thanks to a friend of mine I actually already have another one in the works! Fortunately it won't be nearly as sappy as this one was. Now, on with the thanks!

To all my friends: thanks for previewing this stuff for me so my everyone else would like it and for giving me the confidence I needed to post it!

May: thanks for being my first reviewer! and you're not the only one who loves it when Kaoru acts a little more out going! Plus, it's always fun to watch her hit Kenshin over the head with anything! but I like it best when she throws a bucket at him! ^_^x

Ymir chan: I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Nanyo: I tried to make this last chapter a bit longer, but I don't think I did all that great. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Brittanie Love: thanks for your encouragement! and I can't wait to read more of your story!

Gypsy-chan: I'm glad you think that I've done something different with this one. thanks!

Vash-chan aka Makoto Almasy: First off, I love your pen name. Trigun happens to be my second favorite anime! ^_~x Anyway, I hope you liked the cliffhangers and the ending!

Henrika: Once again, thanks for your question! And yes, Kenshin was jumping to conclusions, just like he always is. but at least he figured it out in the end! thanks for your reviews!

Kits: I hope this one was long enough! Thanks for the review!

Lady Himura: I love your pen name too!!!!! Anyway, I'm glad you liked it! Thanks! ^_^x

Clemen: Thank you for your review, and I'm glad you liked my little story!

Anonmouse: LOL! It wasn't a stupid question! It's just one that I couldn't answer without giving away the ending! But now I can answer it: no, Kenshin will not reject her. and personally I think it sucks when he does, so I just had to get him to tell her his true feelings. ^_^x BTW, cute pen name!

Kaoru Himura: Thanks! I'm glad I was able to show you a different POV for the whole post jinchuu arc aspect. 

Thunder Sister: To be honest, I didn't think it would get this sappy either! But, when you lock me in a room with a computer and a bunch of soda for a few days, well, this is what happens! ^_^x Speaking of which, now that's it done, can I come out now?

Auren: I know! I'm sorry! But Ihope you like the ending! ^_^x

Scarfer: Sorry! But at least there's no cliffi this time! ^_^x  
  
MizzLee: I hope the ending wasn't too bitter sweet. thanks for the review!

Glenn: I'm glad you loved it! What about now? And be happy, I updated! ^_^x

Dani: Thanks much for the wonderful review, and I hope whatever was wrong with the site is fixed now! ^_^x

Even though I'm done, tell me what you think of my ending! R/R please! ^_^x


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